I Am A Stinking Coward

And it even took me all my life to overcome my fear of admitting it...

Yes! I am afraid of hidden automatic weapons firing hundreds of rounds at me every second

Sadly, I always identify only with the anonymous fallen in those movies of valiant actions on the battlefield

Never could picture myself charging out in the open towards an enemy position raining fire upon us

I just know I’d wind up hiding somewhere sobbing and smelling of frightened urine and cold sweat

Never dreamed of achieving fame and glory somewhere off in those far-flung foreign killing fields

But, I do have nightmare visions of my guts dragging in the dirt as I crawl off to die, so far from home

Afraid that some skinny little fucker whose ass I could whip would blow himself up, right in my face

Don’t ever want to pursue a guerrilla enemy through his own country...where everyone looks alike

Can’t stand the thought of bullets hissing past my head, each capable of instantly shattering my brain

I’m also too cowardly to hold my closest brother, cradled in my arms, writhing, pleading, bleeding...dying

I simply cannot abandon my fear and rush forward thoughtlessly into the jaws of death...for leaders in safety

To me, ignorance of the horror that awaits and false hype are required to pump our boys up with courage

Don’t think I could blindly ignore half-naked refugees stumbling off, hungry, dirty, homeless and destitute

I know I would be one of those taking refuge in too much alcohol, drugs and stupidly violent R&R

Very much afraid that I would learn to condone uprooting families, torturing prisoners or bombing weddings

I am a coward and all my life I was so very afraid to admit it, even to myself...to avoid the humiliation

I saw the crippled veterans, toppled churches, orphan children and sobbing mothers and I was sore afraid

Tho I feared our enemies who were always coming to eat our kids, rape our women and end our way of life:

I never felt enough anger to go off to fight and die for the fictitious causes of slick corporate politicians

I was always ashamed by my lack of commitment to our fearless leaders endless, pointless orders to slaughter

I cowardly dodged military service but I never had the guts to protest wars in public, much less out loud

So I felt guilt for resisting the call to arms to foolish conflicts in faraway lands where we were not welcome

Often felt I should have actually come out against the lying crooks who insanely sacrificed my brothers in vain

But I never felt I missed out on something that would have made me a better, more human being

Never felt the need to prove myself tough enough for Basic Training simply to be randomly sent to the front

So, I envied the honor of those who served but avoided the bullets, bombs, death and destruction

And admired those who could come home, injured but alive, and go on to raise families and lead decent lives

But I knew I would have joined my 2 cousins and many others in a lonely, PTSD-haunted, drug-overdosed death